treinta y cinco

i'm turning 35 this year. in two months, actually. even though each day seems to drag on slowly, i'm somewhat appalled at how quickly the years manage to be ticking by. i mean, i still feel like i'm 26 or 27. that cute young thing, who always seemed to have so much energy and be so interested in the next big thing. music, friends, activities. fun. and now i'm all like, wait, wut. 35? really, guys? i mean, yeah. 35.

and i'm cool with it! i'm all bout it bout it. my kids are finally old enough where independence is slowly becoming a thing with me again. after a hard blurry four years of survival, ooey gooey love, physical pains, stressors, tears, snot and lack of identity - i'm like, almost me again. but a grown up version. i mean 35? whoa.

somewhat intentionally, somewhat not, 2018 is turning into the year of self care. or at least awareness. i'm a redhead again (kinda). i fixed and added to some tattoos. i wear makeup again. sunscreen, omg! my skincare regime game is STRONG son, albeit expensive. whoever made up all these stupid creams, lotions, and serums targeting 30 something yuppie women is a genius. i fall for all of it. YES PLEASE. FIX MY DISCOLORATION. erase my freckles. hide my eye luggage. my recklessness of self care the first 34 years, all resolved with some magic goop! more more more. (raises hand).

i mean, last night. the kids went to bed at their newer later bedtime much to my chagrin. daylight savings is a mother fucker, i tell you. the almost four year old is getting smarter 'it's not bedtime yet mom it's still sunny outside!' GO TO BED. but i digress. the kids fiiiiinally passed out. and dad offered me a glass (or three) of rose, despite my usual aversion to weeknight drinking. and mom went buckwild on an online shopping spree! among the many purchases, an icecream scoop (oh man i am so sick of bending our regular spoons with hard ass icecream! no more!). three new pairs of thinx! (if you don't know - well, you're about to. they're period panties. PANTIES FOR WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A TAMPON. bye bye diva cup! just freeball it. or freebleed it. whatever, modern conveniences are awesome). but these mother fuckers are like 35 bucks a pop, so naturally i had to get krunk to buy my second set (because mama wanted some back ups!). but always the savvy shopper, i made my husband buy them so i could get an extra $10 off referral code. i bought some other garbage, too. on top of going wild and springing on some new threads (see i'm a hip mom, using slang. threads means clothes!) at target, i've got some buyer's remorse this morning. but i also had buyer's guilt after splurging $120 on three new sofa cushion sag relief supporting blocks - and now it's like we have a brand new couch! so sometimes it's smart and not compulsive!!!

it's like money. retail therapy. whether it be to 'better' my home. or my appearance. or spoil my kids with damn frozen barbie dolls. i can control these things. i can bring temporary happiness and joy into my family's life. so i do it.

2018 is the year of self care.

in addition to buying home goods and facial serum, i also have made myself read again. so far, nothing great or to write home about. i joined this online book club thing, where you get a new book every month. i kept falling into a rut not knowing what to read because i usually rip through everything an author puts out after discovering one, and i've exhausted all my usuals. so it's mostly been trashy contemporary housewife fiction. it's pretty bad. but fun. so i'm at the very least meeting my one book a month goal, actually slightly exceeding it.

i also fully plan on running again, now that it's starting to warm up again. signed up for my usual ravenswood 5k in april. that'll be nice. it'd be nice to have a running buddy, but i'm pretty damn slow, so would be too self conscious to even bother trying to recruit one.

and concerts! i realized i haven't seen a 'real' show in years. i discount my experience at ravinia last summer or any of the street festivals, because those shows don't have the same experience. i'm old and crabby. i want to sit down and hear the music. not be squished in some hipster dude's smelly armpit, barely able to keep my eyes open. so i've rediscovered all ages shows. they begin at 7:30 pm!!!! and one of the shows i bought tickets to has RESERVED SEATING. whoamygod. so yeah. sylvan esso and beach house should be solid jams. yeah yeah yeahs are playing 3 days after my birthday. and it's all ages so it's early. aaaaand i have the majority of the last week of may off work. but i don't know if i can justify the pricetag, and even if i can, if anyone else can to accompany me. but we'll see. the fact is that i'm making efforts to do things i used to enjoy for me. it's funny, i don't put a second thought into shelling out the same amount of money (nearly 60 bucks, cough cough), on this hunk of garbage for my kid's upcoming birthday. but for myself? ahhhhhhh. queue internal debate.

i'm trying to write again. i kinda flip flop between blogs. between unpolished and mom vomit heart rambles. i should probably just consolidate. i didn't want to get too personal on the former music one, but too late. it's not like i write anymore so it's definitely not like people will even read any of it. but that's not why i do this. i do this to get my brain flowing again. so i'm not humming 'do you want to build a snowman' for the 30th time to myself in my office like a creeper. (i am a creeper tho). NOTE: i tried to update this post on the unpolished domain, as i realized i hadn't posted there since DECEMBER 2015 HOLYSHIT, but the formatting is all jacked and i'm too lazy to figure it out. ok, this blog wins, i guess.

overall, 2018 is shaping out a-ok. my kids are amazing human beings. the little one is such a fireball. so stubborn and mean. but so beautiful and sweet (sometimes). the big one is really something. always accusing us of 'lying' if we tease. screaming 'I WANT TO CUDDLE YOU MOM' and begging to wear my clothes and makeup. they're my little bears. and things are good.

the housing situation sucks, so we're looking to move as soon as we can. i don't have the energy to document all that bs, but i'm looking forward to moving somewhere where i don't have to operate my 'meth lab' (aka portable washer and dryer, funnels, buckets, tubes and all) just to get clean clothes on my back.

i'm ok with 35. i'm actually pretty excited for it. i can't drink like i used to, nor do i want to. but this may be an excuse to throw some back and just live in the summer. these cold ass winter months have been brutal and i'm all too prepared to get my kids running around the playground again. go out for icecream. be a cool mom. i was jamming to some lil wayne on the radio in my car the other day with my kids. that's a cool mom thing to do, right? or is it just awkward. we ended up switching to 'PLAY MOANA MOM' immediately after anyway.

even though i can't seem to come up with a clever blog post title, or a cutesy closing to this long winded pile of words, it feels good to kindasorta write again. i may just challenge myself to checking in on the reg a bit more this year. a blog a month or week or something. you know, mental health. because 2018 is the whole year of self-care and whatnot.